If you look at the Endangered Species list you will find "Drive-Ins" right between the Dracula Ant and the Dromedary Pearlymussel. Gone are the golden days of the 50's where everyone would go to the burger stop and go catch the newest monster flick called "Man-tis" or "The invasion of the grasshopper race of planet 21." Now drive-in movies are few and far between. If you don't know where you can find one you can usually go to wherever a swap meet is held and it will double as a drive-in at night. Yes, it's that classy. Don't be surprised to find a tijuana blanket or velcro wallet on the ground outside your car. Bonus!

There are two kinds of people who go to Drive-ins. First there is the parents who throw their 9 kids (and their friends) in the truck so they don't have to get a babysitter when they want to see a movie. You can spot these people by their 3 queen size mattresses (how did they manage to fit all these mattresses?) and also their matching set of camp chairs complete with dutch ovens. The other type is what I always aspired to be. The Making-out couple. How could any drive-in be complete without them? You can spot these attendees by not seeing anyone sitting up in a convertible or windows with shirts hanging in them. (Shirts that they were presumably wearing.) Apparently these couples love sharing their levi-loving 501 protection plan with everyone to the sides of them.
My wife and I went to the drive-in this past weekend because she wanted to see the Proposal. But sadly it was co-playing with Up. This brings me to my next point. Having two movies for less than the price of one is a plus and a minus. There is a slight chance you might catch two average movies playing on the same screen, but usually you get one good movie and one that was made by the Wayans brothers. If anyone has seen two great movies on one screen I would like to hear about it. I don't think it's every happened.

"Up" was the first movie to play in the double feature and I'm not a fan of Pixar so I was ready to watch the couple making out next to us. Then I saw Public Enemies playing to my left. I immediately changed the station and craned my neck to enjoy a quality movie. After about five minutes my neck cramped up and I got a severe case of lockjaw and had to settle on watching "Up" (which was terrible by the way).

By the time most normal people have been sleeping for an hour, the second movie starts and goes till at least 1 AM. Hey, I might be too tired to drive home but I need to get my money's worth. Even my wife fell asleep during the chick flick but I stayed up to catch the end. By the time the second movie "The Proposal" started I was too tired to laugh, either that or it just wasn't all that funny.

One good thing about drive-ins is eating anything you want in your car. You can't bring a KFC bucket of wings into a movie theater can you? If you have done this, I pity you. They do have concessions at the drive-in with reasonable prices. Though they only accept cash. I'm pretty sure it is 2009 and I can pay just by scanning the bar code on my wrist to pay for things. It makes sense that you need cash to get in (to speed up the line) but for the treats? Come on! I had to do without my 2 dollar box of 4 sour patch kids that night. I wonder if some old lady has ever tried to write out a check to a drive-in...

Drive-ins are white trash but you can't beat the low price for two movies. I don't recommend seeing the big summer blockbuster at a drive-in because you won't get the sound or picture quality. If you are 18 and taking dates to the drive-in then you need to keep that van-a-rockin.

I give Drive-In Movies 3 fuzzy sounding FM stars.

As many of my fellow porky friends know, each fast food drive thru is not created equal. Generally all fast food joints display the same characteristics from location to location.

If you go to Jack in the box, be prepared for a 15 minute wait. (I don't get it...even if you are the only car, they make you wait)
If you head to McDonalds, get ready for a soda cup that is 48% full. (prepare to order a 44 oz soda to wash down those 63 fat grams)
Taco time will give you 1 sauce per 6 food items. (I suppose 1 sauce packet significantly decreases your chances of contracting swine flu from the window guy)
Arby's will get your order incorrect 89.5% of the time. (I swear that I want to murder these people. Not literally, but figuratively...with a giant figurative baseball bat)
Arctic Circle will never get your food to you, as they rarely get customers, and don't know what to do. (Has anyone actually ever ordered the ranch burger?)

But the restaurant with the most defining characteristic is Wendy's.

100 people were asked what is the most common problem with the Wendy's drive thru, and 85 responded that they feel rushed. 11 responded that they thought Carrot Top owned a majority stake in the company, and 4 people responded by pressing the button "1" on their phone.

Have you been to a Wendy's lately? I generally stay away, but the thought of eating 35 fat grams in only 7 pieces of Asian chicken was too strong to resist.

Honestly, isn't the speed of a Wendy's drive thru a little ridiculous? The entire process from ordering to receiving your food takes roughly 19 seconds. It's like they know what you are going to order before you even say anything. Did Wendy's patent the right of omniscience?

Me: I'd like a #4, super sized with a Coke.
Annoying Wendys Operator Lady: Sure. Anything else?
Me: No, that'll be it.
AWOL: Are you sure you didn't want a large frosty to dip your fries into?
Me: (Damn...how did she know?) Umm....I suppose, although there's no way I can eat all that. I'll share with my kids.
AWOL: Whatever you say Matt.
Me: (How did she know my name? I'm frightened)

Let me set up the Modus Operandi for an average Wendy's drive thru visit:

Pull up and peruse the menu. (They already know what you want, so you might as well just go ahead and order)
Pull your car to the window where they already have your drink ready and waiting on the outer lip of the drive thru brick window.
Make the "double exchange" where you hand the money, and receive the drink using both hands.
Set drink down, and turn to see an impatient employee waiting to give you change.
Take the change, and start to put it in your wallet, and the change compartment in your car.
In your peripheral vision, you notice the employee holding your food out the window like they have a baby to deliver in the next 10 seconds.
Throw your money in the passenger seat, as your attention is at maximum capacity.
With money tossed haphazardly in various location in your car, food resting on your lap, and the drink teetering tentatively on the dash, you pull out of the parking lot. The odds of you getting into a car accident at this time are roughly 36%.
You then set the food down in the seat next to you, only to knock off a 5 dollar bill to the ground. You reach over to grab it, as the drink gets tipped, and spills over the upholstery of your minivan.

If you try to disrupt this process in any way by slowing down, I truly think you will have food thrown at you.

The last time I was there, I was waiting behind a car who had obviously completed his entire transaction. His car wasn't moving, so how did I know that he was finished? The Wendy's employee was hanging his upper body out the window, holding my drink for the "double exchange." If I didn't pull forward when the car in front of me did, I am positive he would have jumped out the window and ran me down brandishing a 20 oz Coke.

How does a training session go with a new employee?

Wendys Employee Trainer: Alright, let's practice this again.
Annoying Wendys Operator Lady: I suppose.

AWOL: What if the customer isn't ready to take the food?
WET: Tough. You throw that food bag into the hanging spare tire 10 times in a row, and you'll be ready for the real thing.

To recap, if you are looking for a quick stop to plug up your arteries, head over to Wendy's.
On the other hand, if you are highly annoyed with just about every human being on the planet, you will come away from this experience with rage in your veins, and Root Beer on the floor of you Nissan Quest.

Wendy's drive thru zips its way to a mediocre 2-star rating based on the fact that I'm positive they hold the Guinness book of world records for fastest transaction.